


The Sun

by the_feels_a_fangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Depression, Diary/Journal, First Love, M/M, Self-Harm, This is a dark fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-19 23:56:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2407610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_feels_a_fangirl/pseuds/the_feels_a_fangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear diary</p>
<p>He's like the sun, my life revolves around him. The walls of my fragile castle are coming crashing down and all I can do is sit here and take everything. I suppose it's really my destiny to never get out of this cycle, the drinking, the hitting a and the stupid love. Sometimes I wish my heart wasn't even there at all so then I wouldn't have to feel all this pain.</p>
<p>A day, where I'm not drunk</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Please guys I'm not promoting any of the behaviours in thsi fic, Dean is in a bad place and to be honest has an unhealthy reliance on other people. Please this is a work of fiction and the activities taking place in this story are in no way good or healthy. But I hope you enjoy the story!

_Dear Diary_

_I met a boy in school today. His name is Castiel. I think that's a bit of a strange name but he seems to be nice. So I will let him be my friend. Mostly because he is the only person I really talked to today, I think 5th grade will be much like all the other ones. I don't know why people don't really like being my friend, but maybe this year will be ok._

_April 5th 2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_Me and Castiel got sent out of class today for talking too much, I really wanted to stop but he kept making funny faces and I just couldn't stop laughing. The teacher threatened to call our parents but I know she won't. They just use that to scare people. Cas said his big brother told him that. Cas's big brother is cool, he wears a leather jacket and rides a motorcycle. One day I will be that cool and I will do just what Gabe does when he gives his girlfriend rides on his motorcycle._

_May 10th 2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_Dad came home drunk again last night. He was waving a bear bottle around and Sammy came running into my room crying, he doesn't like it when Dad gets angry like that because he hates having to wear long sleeves to school._

_May 28th 2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_Today Cas and I cycled to the river, we went swimming and it's the most fun I've had in a long time. Cas said that Me and Sam can come over and hang out with him and Gabe if we like. Because his parents are going away for the weekend. It was nice of him to invite Sam over as well. He knows I don't like leaving him alone with Dad._

_June 2nd 2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_A girl called Emily chased me around the playground today. When she caught me she asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend, I said yes because that's what you're meant to do when a pretty girl asks you out. That's what Gabe said one time. So now I have a girlfriend and I hope that she doesn't expect me to kiss her and stuff. I don't want to have all her spit in my mouth._

_June 24th_ _2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I now sit with Emily everyday at lunch. I want to sit with Cas so we can play soccer or talk about cool things. But all Emily wants to do is hold my hand and talk about our feelings. One of the other boys says she is the prettiest girl in school, but she doesn't seem that pretty to me, they say I should try to kiss her. I think I want to breakup with her, I don't like having a girlfriend anymore._

_July 7th 2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_Emily broke up with me today. I'm very happy because I didn't know how I was going to tell her that I didn't want to go out anymore. Emily said that it wasn't me it was her and that she just couldn't commit to this relationship. I don't really know what that means but I did see her holding Brad's hand after school so that might have something to do with it._

_July 10th 2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I haven't written in here in a long time because Dad found out I had a diary and told me diaries were for pussies. I don't know what a pussy is but he wasn't very happy with me. He took it and hid it under his bed. Then he hit me with a belt so then I couldn't wear shorts for a few weeks even though it was really hot. I got this back one night when Dad was passed out on the couch but I have to be really careful now._

_August 17th 2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_Cas and I made a secret hideout today. It's by the river that we swum in a few months ago and we promised each other that when we are in our hideout we always have to tell the truth. No matter what._

_August 30th 2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I will have to start writing in here less often because Dad begun leaving for a few days at a time and I need to help Sammy with his homework and things. Cas has asked me to his house this weekend but I know I can't go because the house smells really bad and I have to clean it before Dad gets back. He gets angry when the house isn't clean enough, even though he makes the mess. Sam says that it's too hot to wear long sleeves lately so I have to be around him more, just in case Dad gets angry and tries to hit someone. I can stand wearing long clothes but I don't want Sam to overheat this summer._

_September 12th 2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_Today I got to go to the hideout with Cas because Sam was at his friends house. We talked about things and Cas asked me why I always wore long clothes, I told him it was because I liked them. He didn't believe me though and asked if it was because I had bruises. He said Gabe told him that was probably the reason why, he has a step-brother called Michael who also wears long clothes all the time. He has no bruises to hide anymore but now he can't stop. I hope I don't end up like Michael._

_October 3rd 2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_The teacher got very angry at me and Cas today because we didn't do our work in class. She nearly gave us detentions which is really bad because if you get detentions note gets sent home. Sam got an A on his science report and I'm really proud of him. I even put it on the fridge but Dad used it to wipe up some spilled beer._

_October 27th 2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I can't write in here anymore. Dad has found it again and I'm lucky he was to drunk to reach me so I ran away. I'm currently hiding in a cardboard and it's really dark. Goodbye._

_September 13th 2005_

 

_Dear Diary_

_It has been a very long time since I last wrote in here and I know I don't have to apologise to a piece of paper but I used to tell you all my secrets and right now I just need someone to talk to. When does friendship turn into something more? When does it take that horrible step? When does your heart fall into the deep dark pit that some idealistic idiots call love? There's no such thing as true love. There's need and there's want, you can need them because you can't live without them, but that's not love. That's just selfish. People always make the mistake of thinking people love them, but we are programmed to be selfish. We will never do anything for another person that doesn't have a positive effect on our life. Humans such. My heart has somehow fallen into that stupid pit on the way across the bridge of friendship, but I've promised myself I won't ruin the friendship I have. My own ridiculous feelings can wait, besides if Dad ever found out. Well, I'm too scared to think about what would happen then._

_June 17th 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I don't even think I deserve you anymore. I'm a faggot a fucking filthy faggot. I don't deserve to be on this world let alone have a friend as good as Cas._

_June 29th 2007_

 

_Dear diary_

_Dad had a friend over last night. His name was Jeff and he was very much like Dad. Except he was a little more touchy, if you know what I mean. He kept patting my butt as I walked away. We had to serve them food while they gambled. Anyway, he kept touching my bum and thighs, this has never happened before so I hope it doesn't go any further. I think he just wanted a feel though._

_July 5th 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I was right when I said that Jeff wouldn't go any further, I never saw him again. But now every few nights Dad bring home another friend and they get a little too touchy. Then Dad goes and buys more beer. He's whoring me off too his friends. The worst thing about this though, is that I know I would enjoy it, if it wasn't them. If it was Cas. July 20th 2007 Dear Diary I did the one thing that I promised myself I would never do. I fucked up my life. I couldn't help it, the knife was just sitting there. My wrists looked like the perfect canvas. So I painted them. And it was the most beautiful picture I have ever seen. Years of pent up sadness and anger and fucking despair just taken away._

_August 4th 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_It's not as satisfying now. Just to see the tiny drops of blood glistening on my canvas. I have to go deeper, make my wrists pour. It's almost like crying. Sam keeps asking me why I'm wearing long sleeves even though Dad hasn't been angry lately, I keep lying to him because Sam's smart. He can make it through this mess, this piece of shit prison that we call life. Me? I'm already dead._

_August 31st 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I have another girlfriend, she wear too much makeup and I always cough when I kiss her. I hate kissing her, but I have to, because if I don't they will hit me again. The boys at my school, they call me a fag, their right. But I don't think my body can handle it, not at home and school. So we go to the movies and sit in the back, she puts my hands on her boobs and I think I'm meant to enjoy it. I don't though, and I know I never will. And I hate myself for it._

_October 16th 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I can hear him screaming, every shout of pain is a piece of me being ripped away. I can't go out there, not tonight. It started when he lost lots of money gambling, he brought more men in, and they felt my butt, then the beer. It always ends up at the beer. It's been 3 days, I haven't gone to school, the bruises on my face can't be covered. For 3 days I have protected Sammy, I've taken all the punches, but I can't do it anymore. I'm falling apart. This is breaking point, my body feels like it's been shattered, if he hits me one more time I know I won't be able to handle it. If he grabs my wrists they will cry and if he throws another drunken punch then I will never be there to protect Sam ever again._

_November 6th 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_Sam was ok. He didn't really say much for a few weeks, then again, neither of us did. I think I'm ok now as well. I've been talking to Cas, he's doing well, but he says his family don't want him to hang out with me anymore. I guess that's because I ruin the lives of everyone around me. I'm still going out with Lydia, and we still make out in movies that we've snuck into. Life sucks, and my wrists are full, so I've progressed to thighs. There is no emotion in this writing because I'm over it, I'm over feeling. I'm just a ghost of the child I used to be._

_December 8th 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_It's Christmas Day today. Nothing really happened except dad didn't come home, so I guess that was our gift. I stole some things for Sam, but I know he knows what I did to get them. Cas is the only person that gave us presents, I couldn't afford to give him anything. Christmas is like any other day to me, it's dark and I feel like I'm watching the world through a window. All I hope is that one day Sam can sit around the fire with his big happy family and exchange presents and smile. The crap that we never had._

_December 25th_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I went to the secret place I made with Cas today. But I went by myself. I hate myself for it but I love him. Wasn't my life crap enough? Why? That's my final question. Why love? Why care? Why live? I haven't seen him in weeks, I need to see him. He's the only thing that stops the thoughts. Or the panic. He's the only thing that stops me falling into the void. January 2nd Dear Diary It's my birthday. I'm 14. I want to be that naive 6 year old again. I want to rewind. Birthdays are the best celebration. They congratulate you on being one day closer to death. The only thing in my life I'm looking forward to. January 24th 2007 Dear Diary I had the best party of my life. I got to forget everything. Lydia took me to her older brother friends house. They're 19. I understand why dad drinks now. It wipes away everything. I stayed over there that night and when I got home Sammy asked me where I'd been. I just told him I was having some fun with friends._

_January 29th 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I now spend the majority of my time at Luke's house. We drink straight from the bottle and pass things around the circle. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time but it's all ok usually. The worst part is when I come down from the high, when the temporary amnesia subsides. And I remember. It's these times when I sit on the shower floor, and the water turns red. I numb the pain with drink. Then it starts again. It's a vicious cycle really. February 15th 2007 Dear Diary Lydia and I broke up. She says we work better as friends. What she actually means is that she wants to go out with one of Luke's friends. She also said she knows I'm gay. She won't tell anyone at school though, what happens at Luke's stays at Luke's. I also think that she was too drunk to remember ever saying that. I'm starting to spend more and more time drunk just to delay the inevitable fall that happens after every party._

_February 23rd 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_A lot has happened since I last wrote in here. So I may as well tell you the whole story while I'm still a bit drunk. It'll be easier that way. I was at another one of Luke's 'parties' which consist of me, Lydia and about 8 college dudes sitting in a circle and drinking and smoking. It was at that weird time, when everyone's just kinda sitting around being confused, but I was sitting on the couch with Luke. He has been pretty feely lately, like the guys that Dad used to bring home when he still hung around for more than a day at a time. Luke kept touching my thighs or my butt, as he was talking he would just rub my leg, I guess it would have been kinda coupley except we were both drunk off our arses and he is 6 years older than me. Anyway, being a drunk little 14 year old I just let him do whatever he wanted. So I kissed my first guy, actually it was more than just a kiss, he was making out with me on the lounge room floor and I just let him. I promise I didn't let it go any further than that. A few days later, he asked me to be his boyfriend. Luke seems to have no problem being gay, and he's open about it. We stay inside the house and only ever see each other at parties. But I now have a boyfriend, I'm not living life as a ghost anymore. Things seem to be improving. March 13th 2007 Dear Diary I'm sick of being the glue. Of trying to keep the shards of my broken family together. Those shards are what broke me. I give up. Dad has come back. He's angry again. And Sammy won't let me protect him. He says I smell like dad, and pushes me away. It was inevitable. I won't be the one who survives this mess of a family. The downward spiral will begin someday, or maybe it's already begun. Either way I'm done. I give up. Let it happen. I'll let it happen._

_April 1st 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I let Luke have sex with me last night. I didn't really enjoy it. But I figure what better way to get the ball rolling for my decent into alcoholism than to let myself be used by some drunk college guy. I'm trying to find humour in the situation here. But there is none. I hated it. I still love someone else even though I haven't spoken to him in months. I used to believe when I was younger that I'd be ok. That I'd learn from dad and that I would grow up and have a family and love the right people. Reality really is the cruelest plot twist of all._

_April 11th 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_The only thing more satisfying than seeing your bold drip onto the tiles is the feeling of a needle piercing your skin. I don't know wrong from right anymore. The drugs are so addictive, and even more addictive than the drugs is Luke. I can't stop letting him do things to me, I spend most of my time there now, at least 4 nights a week or Luke gets angry. And when he's angry he's worse than dad, he's younger, stronger. I thought that maybe I might grow up to be the abuser, follow in dad's footsteps. I won't though. I'm always going to have bruises._

_May 21st 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I haven't seen Cas in so long. I don't know if I want to talk to him again. He can't see me like this._

_May 23rd 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I have a boyfriend, friends and hobbies that I enjoy. I never thought I'd need anything more. But life has a way of always fucking you over, doesn't it? My boyfriend who I'm meant to love hits me, my so called friends are just a bunch of addicts and my hobby is sitting in a college guys house while I drink and let him touch me. This is the life I live and I wish it was anything but, in my dreams I'm with Cas and we love each other and Dad has gone and I never got addicted because in my dreams I'm brave. But in real life, I'm anything but._

_June 18th 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

_Help me. Please._

_August 9th 2007_

 

_Dear Diary_

 

_I'm sorry. Life truly fucked me over. I'm sorry I stopped writing but things got really bad, I can't tell you all the details because it will bring back bad habits, the ones that include a razor. All I'm going to say is that it was Sammy who brought me back to my senses, he said I was just like Dad, I don't no if he realised at the time because he was only 10, but he saved my life. Luke and I broke up, well I broke up with him, because it got really bad one night so I drank away my sorrows and then went and talked to Sammy drunk. That was the night everything changed. I think I'm better now though, I'm still scarred and there are things that still happen. With the panic and the weakness. But things are getting better. You've had to deal with my crap for years and I think things are finally starting to look up._

_January 29th 2009_

_Dear Diary_

_I talked to Cas again today. It was the first time in years we've had a proper conversation. I went to our secret place, and I was lying there telling the skies my bad thoughts, it's something I started to do when I was putting the pieces of my broken life back together, and I looked up and Cas was standing there. He looked shocked to see me, and he had really changed, it's strange how many things you don't notice about someone when you're not paying attention. He's taller now, taller than me, and his shoulders have bulked out. His hair is longer and kinda messy and he has a bit of stubble. I'm not going to lie, I found him attractive. I accepted my sexuality long ago now but I still felt guilt wash over me. The longer I looked at him the more I felt it, the years of agony and heartache, because no matter how much I lie to myself I know I never truly got over Cas. He was my first love and as I sat there staring at him I felt it all coming back to me. The panic set in then and my happy world started crashing down, I had to rub my scars on my arm to stop me from running because Cas was my best friend for many years and I needed to talk to him. Just as I was about to give in to the bad thoughts I felt Cas' hand resting on my back, and he was telling me to breathe, his soothing words bringing me back to reality. We sat there for hours, talking, although it was mostly about our childhood, I think that Cas knows more about what has been happening in my life the past few years than he's letting on. I think that we never truly stop feeling for people, it just changes, because life changes. And I think we love who we love for a lot of reasons, and I don't know my reasons yet, I doubt I ever will, but I do know that I am completely in love with Cas. It's taken me years of mistakes and pain to accept that, but I do now. Even if I can never tell him, it's nice to know that my heart is capable of love. And I think I'm happy now because it's ok to be happy. To be happy even amongst others pain._

_February 14th 2009_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I have been thinking a lot able it Luke lately, and I think that's because I've been talking to Cas. But memories are memories whether good or bad. However I feel like I owe you an explanation, and if not you then myself. I have been thinking lately about why I let Luke do those things to me, and I have come up with an explanation. Not an excuse, I know it was my fault too, those things that happened, but an explanation. I let him use me because I needed it. I was with him and he made me feel wanted, and after a while even needed. It was nice at first but it got ugly fast. However I had already dug the hole too deep and I was needed now, how could I let the only person on the earth who needed me go? So I stayed, and it got worst, but I was tied down now, with emotion and fear and this whole idea that I loved him and he was my destiny. I know know that I never loved him. I loved the idea of Luke. The idea of affection and want, but the form I got was deformed and mutated, the worst form of want. I will never make excuses for how I let him rule my life for so long, but I think it's nice to have closure and to think that there's an explanation for my idiocy._

_February 26th 2009_

_Dear Diary_

_I haven't written in while because for the first time in a long time I have a true friend. Cas has been there for me this last month or so and I now truly know that shutting Cas out for all those years was the worst decision of my life. He understands me, and he makes me laugh, something I haven't done in a long time. I'm ready to accept Cas as just a friend, although I know that if he were to ask me out, I would answer yes in a heartbeat. You never can make your heart stop feeling. My life is ok now, with John gone especially (he doesn't deserve Dad, he was never a Dad to me) Sam can now have a good experience of being a teen. I don't know where John went exactly, just that we still get his unemployment money in the post. It's good that he's gone, it gives the scars time to heal, and when he comes back I'll be ready. I won't let fear stand in the way of my life again. I'm putting my life back together and its nearly complete._

_April 19th 2009_

 

_Dear Diary_

_He came back when I was sleeping. I knew he was angry when I left him, but this was different. This time he didn't care if I stopped breathing, and the look in his eyes told me that was his intention. The smell of alcohol was so strong in the room, and all I could do was curl up in a ball and scream. It was my screaming that drew Sammy to my room and when he saw me, the fear in his eyes, I won't ever forget it. I know he must have tried to call the police, and I know that I must have told him not to. But then Luke hits got harder and the darkness crept in. I woke up to shouting and the sounds of more flesh on flesh. And there was Cas, not as his usual calm self, he was angrier than I've ever seen him, and he was defending me and Sam from Luke, wrestling with him on the floor. Then just as suddenly as he started, Luke stopped, he passed out. It was drugs. I don't remember anything after that for a while but I know that I owe my life to Castiel again._

_May 22nd 2009_

 

_Dear Diary_

_If there's one person I am happy owing my life to then it's Cas. I kissed him today. It was short and sweet but the biggest thing is that it was my choice. I made the move and I broke the kiss, and he went with it. My dearest diary, I have a boyfriend again. This ones different. He loves me as well. I don't know when the next time I write in here will be, but please know that I'm in good hands. And that this is not the end, but everything ok. I will never forget the thing I wish to, and I will never remember all the things I do. However life is made up of stories, and this one. This one is going to be spectacular._

_June 19th 2009_

 

_Dear Diary_

_I read a story once and although I don't remember the exact words, one of the characters days "I will die for you, but I will not live for you." I never truly understood the importance of that when growing up, however I understand now. This is my story and I just wanted to tell you, my dearest friend, that I'm proud of it._

_April 5th 2014_

_My Dearest and most Trusted Friend_

_Thank you for a spectacular story, for a completed puzzle and for a happy life. As an old man, lying on his deathbed, I read this old journal again. And I thought you may wish to know that my love for Castiel never faltered, I lived a life that I'm exceptionally proud of and this is a good place to end my story. Goodbye and I'm forever grateful for these flimsy pieces of paper. They hold my journey and I would never wish it to be anywhere else._

_The day I will greet death, not as an escape, but as an adventure._

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading guys, if you would like me to write this from someone else's point of view I'd love to give it a try so just comment and I'll see what I can do!


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